life on mars?

I woke up at 5:00 today to begin working on advising stuff. There are a handful of tricky student issues that I have to deal with and I was too tired after I finished teaching and meeting with a failing student afterward to work on this at 20:00 last night. I had my tasks planned out but after a stressful outburst from my husband regarding the upcoming state teaching conference our department is hosting and yet another task he realized hadn't gotten done yet, my to-do list got longer. I'm moving through most of my tasks to get done by 18.00 so we can drive up to PA for a Halloween party hosted by a new friend of his from the Ren Faire. This means of course, I will not get to my book today.

I am glad to have moved through some of these big tasks, but when I went for an easy run today my heart rate was pushing into the high numbers. That is either a sign that I am getting sick or that the stress is getting to me. I think the latter. Next week is going to be a shitshow and I just have to make it through Sunday the 9th, which is my husband's birthday. I am not sure what we will do that day. When he is not happy with his weight, he does not want to eat out and he is extremely unhappy with his weight today. I think we'll try to see a movie because that does not involve food and it is fun to go out on his birthday.

The think I am using to distract me between all the tasks is the latest political conspiracy nonsense my instagram algorithm has been feeding me. There is speculation that something is going on between VP Vance and Erika Kirk, the dead Charlie Kirk's widow. Speculation is based upon things Vance has said in interviews about hoping his wife will become Christian/come over to his beliefs as well as public behavior between Kirk and Vance at a recent event. She effusively compared him to her late husband and gave him an overly familiar hug that did involve her having her hands in his hair briefly. It did look EXTREMELY friendly. Right now it's just lots of speculation based on nothing but photo assumptions and soundbites, but I'm curious to see where this (the speculation and their friendship) goes. I am also wondering/worried about Usha Vance. I don't understand her relationship with her husband or her position on the many things her husband's political party stands for. Maybe she's a grifter like Melania and she'll be fine.  

I am stressed to the point that worry about my book and deadlines are keeping me awake at night. Nevertheless, I did not let that get in the way of me enjoying a little Halloween fun.  I still managed to find time to assemble a quick and dirty (and cheap) costume for the pub run Halloween contest last night. AND I WON!  The prize - a free pair of running shoes.

Sorry to my French friends and anyone who was deeply upset by the Louvre heist, but I could not help myself. In light of other things in the news, it made me laugh. The Mona Lisa was just the touch I needed to make sure people knew what was up. And to make things even better, there just so happened to be a traffic cop last night when the run started who was willing to pose with me for a photo.

I should be writing but I am procrastinating to write here. I just finished a therapy session and feel overwhelmed with how overwhelmed I feel. There are several problems merging at the same time and only one of them has to do with the state of the world. That, however, is indeed making things worse.

1. I feel such fear of failure that I am procrastinating instead of working on my book.
2. My husband's way of dealing with life right now (including the impending gloom of winter) is to deep dive into escapism like spending whole weekends at the Red Faire. We took a trip to PA this weekend so he could go to the Penn Ren Faire for the first time (the one in Maryland ended last week) and then also go to a pumpkin patch and do autumn things. I was able to get a little writing on my book yesterday morning since the places we were going to did not open until lunch, but he now wants to go to the Red Faire in NC (8 hour drive from here) which will consume another weekend and we already lose another weekend to hosting a conference on campus. I cannot get my book done and keep up with the other things in my life and I just need to stay home. I need to get better and saying no. His constant need for escape is not meeting my needs.
3. The crashing Maryland state budget has led to meetings and more meetings in which we have to find ways to cut $60,000 from our department budget this year. More cuts expected next year. Another emergency department meeting has been scheduled on Wednesday at a time when I would have been working on my fucking book to discuss this. As a senior faculty member, I am sort of expected to be there, but the rest of the day is peppered with meetings and teaching and so this was going to be my time. I feel like I am shirking my responsibilities if I don't go. At the same time, several major things have happened over the past year that suggest that whatever we decide as a department will be overridden by the upper administration. So I am not inclined to donate my time this way and sitting in on a budget meeting (even virtually) is not something I can do while trying to work on my book.

I feel so frustrated with myself for not managing my time better but some of these things are not of my doing. Should I go to this meeting and be a good citizen and face of the department (and fuck my writing for another day)? Should I let my husband down by telling him a firm no to these escapades in November because I just don't have time - even though one of these weekends is his 50th birthday and I did in fact want to do something nice for him and I am feeling guilty for not doing enough for this big age. 

Okay, enough moaning. I have to finish working on article revisions (not my book) that I am co-authoring with my PhD student since that is part of my job - guiding her in the research process. This is yet another thing taking me away from my own writing!